A little pause

I haven’t been doing a lot lately but it feels like there’s so much going on with my life right now. I don’t know but as much as I’m not exactly physically busy, my mind was occupied with so many things it leaves me tired by the time I close my eyes to sleep.

I worry a lot. I think about things a lot. And I have this guilt and sadness I’ve been carrying because of things I couldn’t quite control…or I forget to take control of.

I am worried of not being able to keep in touch with my friends regularly and for not being able to go with them whenever they have hang outs. I don’t want to think that it’s because of my relationship status now. It was different then when all I have to think of was myself as opposed to now where I prioritize my relationship more. I have to take into consideration the feelings of my boyfriend now whenever there are invites for a night out. This angered me at first because I thought why should I submit to him when this is my life and I want to do the things I want. But then I remind myself that this time it’s really different now, that my life is completely way different than it was before.

In defense to myself though, it’s not always because of my boyfriend or what we have right now or his feelings towards me going out without him (Don’t get me wrong, he lets me go out with my friends naman. It’s my decision to weigh things and decide on them)… It is also because of the fact that there are many things that were going on with my family right now. Bills to pay, new member of the family, my health, my work. Oh, I couldn’t even begin ranting about my work and how dissatisfied I am right now with it that I want to quit right at this moment already.

I am torn between staying and quitting. I have a lot of reasons why I should quit and also why I should stay. Gaa, this adult thingy is quite a handful I want to go back being in high school!

So I want to write a letter to my friends whom I think I’ve kinda neglected for the past months…and here it goes:

Dear dear Friends,

First of all, I want to say I miss you. I miss the fun, crazy times I spent with you. Believe me when I say I haven’t forgotten all of it… all of you. It’s just that things had been a lot of differently lately that I am still trying to adjust, to fully acclimatize myself with the situation and to work around it gracefully and without sacrificing things. But I have been failing miserably with this.

I do not forget those times you have been by my side whenever things go out of control in my life. Truly, I am grateful because you were all there for me at those times. Thank you for your comforting words that kept me going and still fighting up until this moment.

I am very, very, very sorry if I have been not hanging a lot with you all lately. Believe me, I want to, I truly do…but there are circumstances that led me not to be with you always. We all have our own lives and sometimes we’re not readily available to just leave things behind in exchange for a happy,happy night.

Really, I’m sorry but please understand… I am struggling to keep everything in balance and if I have given up those times that I should come with all of you, I am terribly sorry.

I wish you could understand me and never hold grudge against me. I am still your friend…missing in action yes, but still your friend. Promise, I would find time for all of you one of these days. But please let me adjust first. Let me be first.

And if you’re truly a dear, dear friend to me, you would understand as I knew you would.

Thank you for your understanding guys. I miss all of you. I love you my brothers and sisters.

I do not forget. I won’t forget. And I want to keep our ties tight.

Sincerely,

S

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