Semper Ad Meliora

Dear Diary,


Today I woke up with a heavy heart.


I dreamed of him. Yes, I did.After so many months of not seeing him, he chose to appear on the place where I don’t even know exists. Just like the old times, he won’t ever, ever be reached.


“What are you doing? Come back here!”


I heard him call out my name when I suddenly bolted out from the chair I was sitting opposite to him while we were having lunch. I urged my feet to run. Run away from him. But like in a slow mo movie, I could not drag my feet fast enough to get away from him


Why am I running? What am I running from?


He had been away. He had left me. He left his friends to be in some place where I do not know. And we have no idea when he will be coming back.


His friends tried to contact him. And when they finally did, they let me in the conversation.


“Where are you? When are you coming back?”


“Chillax guys! I’ll be back on the 30th. Just don’t let anyone know.”


30th. My heart lifted up. He will be coming back. Even if I know he won’t see me when he comes back, my heart started racing and could not wait for that day to come.


And then all of a sudden I had found myself sitting in front him and I could not help but marvel and be awed that he was actually there, sharing food with me, telling me things he had seen and experienced while he was away.


He had been gone from my life even before he had been actually part of it. And the thought that he might actually think of coming back again to me thrilled me and…scared the hell out of me.


“I am sick!” I blurted out of the blue, not letting my mind think if it will make sense or it would make an impact on him. “You know I am sick, so why are you here?!”


He stared at me like I have grown two heads. He stared, his arm froze in midair with that fork on his hand. And again, just like in slow mo movie, he put his hand down and continued staring at me.


And that was the time I started running. Running away from him. Running away from the possibilities. Running away from the hope that I wasn’t supposed to be feeling.


“What the hell!” He frustratingly run fingers through his hair when he caught up with me. “Why did you run? Where do you plan on going? You’re not supposed to run!”


“Why are you yelling at me! Why did you even ran after me?” I cried in the middle of that unknown place.


“You haven’t taken your medicine yet! Jeez!” I widened my eyes at him. He’s unbelievable! To quote him, what the hell?


I walked away from him, not minding what he said. Why does he even care? He walked out from my life and he thought he could come barging in again just like that?


“Please stop! Talk to me!”


I stopped and whirled around to find him there, standing, his chest heaving.


“Why are you here? I mean…” I put the back of my hand on my eyes that were already tearing up. “You’re not supposed to care!”


He sighed and walked closer to where I was rooted. He glanced up in the clouds, his left hand scratching the back of his neck.


Before he even could retort, I spat the words that’s been on my chest far long enough that not until right at this moment I never knew could be that strong…intense.


“You don’t love me anymore!!!”


He looked at me with pained expression as if trying to tell me that what I told him sent daggers through his heart like what it’s doing with mine.


He motioned to touch my hand and I didn’t move an inch. He enclosed both of his hands on mine and looked at me solemnly in the eyes.


“Do you feel that?” He asked in above whisper. And as soon as the words came out from his mouth, I have felt it. The electricity ran down through my hands until all of my nerve endings could actually feel that unexplainable feeling he always made me feel I thought I had forgotten.


I let out a whimper and looked down on our hands clasped tightly.


“It’s still there, isn’t?”


My eyes that were shut for quite a while suddenly opened and I knew I am already transported back to where everything that was in my dream could not come true. And my heart sank like a thousands of anchor had been attached to it dragging it to the bottoms of the deepest ocean, as if latching me to that pit hole that I had already been in farther and more.


Diary, what am I supposed to do?
Please kill this hope before it even gets bigger.
He won’t be my happy ending.
Please let me believe that.

Yours truly,
The one who had forgotten but been reminded.




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